10 things men REALLY don’t care about in bed

Relationships

Dec 9, 2014

While we may be 100% comfortable with our other half, we still want to appear in a certain way at certain points in our relationship, don’t we?

They've seen our face melting when we wept buckets over the burger we dropped on a night out and they've witnessed the Friday night beauty regime that involved A LOT of plucking – all of which we're OK with, right?

But when it comes to bedroom antics, most of us want to come across as the Sex Goddess we know we truly are on the inside.

Here’s the thing though girls, there’s pretty much no point because the stuff we focus on in bed is NOT the stuff they focus on in bed.

Figures.

Here are just ten things we tie ourselves in knots over and, frankly, they just don’t care about.

1. You know the cellulite you think shines like a beacon from your bum and thighs? They LITERALLY don’t see it.

He tries to be supportive about your concerns, but he thinks ‘cellulite’ sounds like a tube of something he’d find in his dad’s toolbox.

2. Luckily for us, they may be blind to our cellulite, but unfortunately they’re also kind of blind to the underwear we spent 80 quid on.

They really just want it on their bedroom floor.

3. You know that involuntary sound or gross noise you made which has haunted you since last weekend?

Don’t freak out now, but they actually found it kinda sexy. We know, lunatics.

4. While it may have taken us a couple years to get completely used to our periods, it has taken our forward-thinking other halves approximately one month.

You don’t find it gross or weird anymore and neither do they. Calm down.

5. That scar on your leg, the fact one boob is bigger than the other and your bright red sex-face is the last thing on their mind.

They’re seeing you naked and are trying REALLY hard not to high-five themselves with excitement every single time.

6. That fact your legs are sometimes fuzzy or your bikini line appointment got cancelled for an afternoon of Breaking Bad is as important to them as the fact our beautician screwed up the Shellac on our thumb nail.

In other words, not at all.

7. The five extra lbs which weren’t there two months is all YOU see when you’re getting down to it, right?

All HE sees is his girlfriend looking uncomfortable and awkward when he thinks she should be at her most relaxed. Give him some credit and get over yourself.

8. You know that coldsore or ginormous pimple that’s making you feel about as sexy as a bank statement?

He had one last week and did that stop him dropping his pants and doing his classic ‘I know I’m seducing her right now’ sex dance? Like hell, it did.

9. Morning sex can be awesome, but it’s also when you feel most exposed because you’re bare-faced, bed-hair’ed, barely awake and badly in need of some mouthwash.

Know what men think about all these things? Nothing. They’re getting to have sex before work, their brains have shut down with excitement.