10 times we definitely weren’t in the mood for sex

Relationships

Dec 2, 2014

We’re often made feel like our twenties are the time for non-stop sex, the years for wild bedroom antics and the decade to have a libido that would have rivalled Russell Brand’s circa 2006, but we know better than that.

We know that our twenties are also the time to acknowledge exactly what we want, how we want it and recognise that sometimes our bedroom is purely for snoozing, sleeping or sulking.

Here are just ten times (yes, just ten) that we knew sex definitely wasn’t going to be on the agenda that night.

1. When we ate so much Dominos, we felt about as sexy as a phonebook.
Rub my belly. Just my belly, you.

2. When we had our period and knew that any position, except foetal, would end us.
Sleep on the couch, please. No, you can leave the hot water bottle here.

3. When we forgot to shave our legs and we weren’t sure where our furry calves started and our boyfriend’s ended.
I think we’ll skip right to cuddling, let’s just rub our legs against each other.

4. When he annoyed you so much, you’d rather do time than him.
Please remove yourself from my eyeline, sir.

5. When you pondered the bizarre physicality of sex for too long, became totally weirded- out and zipped your onesie up to your neck.
You’ll have to excuse me, my brain made me think thoughts.

6. When you’ve finally done your hair and make-up and he’s suddenly like a dog in heat.
Could you not have decided this before I spent 45 minutes squeezing into this dress and perfecting my smoky eye?

7. When you have a pimple on your face…and your bum.
Turn out the damn lights and don’t look at me.

8. When it’s so bloody cold that deciding to get naked is seriously the behaviour of a lunatic.
I am not insane. Please see someone about your urges.