The 11 ‘alternate facts’ we’ve ALL presented to our poor ol’ mothers

Donald Trump's inauguration to the office of United States President on January 20 this year will forever be associated with the birth of 'alternate facts'.

At this stage, we all know that 'alternate facts' is Trump-camp speech for statements which purport to communicate the truth while blatantly denying the indisputable reality.

They are, in other words, the language in which we all communicate when speaking to the Irish Mammy.

She mightn't be your mammy, she mightn't even be your mate's mammy, but Lord knows she's someone's mammy, so 'alternate facts' are your only man when navigating potentially tricky territory.

And here are just 11 incidents when 'alternate facts' just have to do.

1. When the sound of your dry heaving confirms you're the most hungover person on the planet.

"This is my normal Sunday morning routine, mam. Nothing amiss, nothing wrong."

2. When you were caught skipping mass as a teenager.

"I was standing right there. I just gave my seat to an elderly parishioner and had nowhere to sit, that's all."

3. When the price tag from your new (and exceedingly overpriced) handbag finds its way into her hands.

"That was the original price. It was, indeed, €500 at the start, but by the time I came across it, it was €3."

4. When you're paraletic, and have no intention of dealing with her disapproving stares.

"I'm not drunk. I feel fine *Hic*. Better than ever. Tell me, do you fancy the oul lad next door?"

5. When you blatantly forget Mother's Day, and (understandably) get the third degree.

"I did NOT forget. You've just forgotten to check your post."

6. When you're asked if you have enough money to see you through until pay day.

"I do… unless you're offering. In which case, I do not."

7. When you bail on a family occasion at the last minute.

"What? I WAS there, mam! You just didn't see me. In fact, you totally blanked me."

8. When word gets through that you ditched the bank meeting you were dreading.

"I went, but no one was there. So, I went home. But I was definitely there. Go check the cameras."

9. When you insist you're on a strict diet, but are found doing a midnight raid on the kitchen cupboards.

"This isn't what it looks like. In fact, this is not happening, You are imagining it."

10. When you insist Dry January was a success.

"That's not me in those photos. And that's definitely not my local. Or my pint."

11. When you claim to know how your taxes are calculated.

"I know how it works. But do you know what it works, mam? That's the real question."