Sure look, dating is an absolute minefield.
Let's be honest here, there are few among us who don't have at least one 'First Date' horror story; a tale of such woe our friends have forced us time and time again to regale them with it.
Nevermind that the mere memory of the encounter leaves us clammy-handed and vaguely distressed, other people's dating stories are fair game.
They're awkward, they're agonising, and they're also hugely entertaining… as long as you didn't have to endure them.
And that, ladies, is why we'll be featuring weekly instalments from Swipe Right – a blog about the ups and downs of dating in Dublin and London.
Last week our gal comes face to face with a guy who might be too good to be true, and now it's time for them to arrange the infamous third date.
The morning after our second date, I awoke to my phone buzzing with messages. 8.39am and he has sent me six texts.
“Good morning, gorgeous.”
“How you feeling?”
“I had so much fun last night”
“Really keen to see you again soon.”
“when can I see you next ?”
“Hope I didn’t wake you.”
Too late buddy. You did.
Jeez man, ever heard of playing it cool? I mean it was nice to have a guy so interested in me, but my whole 'wanting to take things slow' meant I was adverse to this blatant show of affection.
He had a whiff of wife-shopper off him.
I had said in a previous post how I would explain what the key components of a wife shopper are.
So, here goes: a Wife Shopper is a man who can be found on most active dating sites. He is usually aged 32-40.
All his friends have recently settled down and have gotten married/had babies. His Friday night down the pub group has dwindled from eight to just two, him and the one other being the lad, who everyone thinks might have a bit of a problem with the drink.
He has decided that he absolutely must meet a girl who he can marry ASAP just so he can have something in common with all his married mates who seem to now do lots of things with his other couple friends.
He is so intent on marrying he has thrown all his normal dating criteria out the window. He doesn’t really care what she does, where she lives, what she’s interested in. He just wants to bag her so he can get her down the aisle.
He often succeeds cause let’s face it the majority of women on dating sites are husband shopping too. These types of unions rarely end well, he cheats and she gets fat and miserable. But hey they’re married! Yay!
Anyway, I looked at his messages and decided to turn off my phone, roll over and go back to sleep.
When I awoke a couple of hours later, I turned on my phone and had two missed calls and four more messages from him.
“You ok?”
“Sorry if I woke you.”
Half an hour later…
“I’m off to my Mums, she does a mean Sunday roast”
“Let me know when you are free next week I’ve a few ideas for our next date."
Ugh gosh, I realised I actually had a crazy week ahead. Work events almost every night and my friend was visiting from Dublin at the weekend. The only day I was free was the very next day which was a Monday and I was loathe to go out on a date on a Monday night. He’d have to wait till next week.
“Um… Hi!! Sorry I was actually sleeping late this morning so hope you didn’t think I was being rude by not replyinG. I had a lovely night last night too. Thanks for organising it all!” I texted
He replied within seconds.
“Ah you’re awake ! No worries I saw from WhatsApp you hadn’t read my messages yet! Dreaming of me, I hope ha ha ha”
Yikes. Awkward.
“Oh ha ha ha gosh don’t even know what I was dreaming of,” I replied lamely
“So, did you see my messages about our next date?” he typed eagerly
“Oh yep I did, so ….I actually have a mental week this week. I don’t think I’ll be free till next week.”
“Whaaaattt? Really? Oh no that’s a shame, I was really keen to see you.”
Yeah no shit, Sherlock.
“Oh I know, sorry it’s just I literally only have Monday night free this week there’s just loads on,”
“Ok great, well let’s do something tomorrow then. Maybe the cinema?” he asked hopefully.
“Oh oooh I dunno I kinda just want to keep tomorrow free seeing as I’m going to be out all week.”
“I thought we had a good night last night. Is this a brush off?” he said
“Gosh no man, not at all. I had a great night too, I actually am just geniuinely busy, I am looking forward to seeing you again too I swear.”
“Ok great, great. If you’re sure. I’ll just have to be patient and wait to see you again next week.” he relented
“We’ll defo meet up I’ll let you know when I’m free ASAP”, I assured him. “Enjoy lunch in your mums, I’ll talk to you later”
“Ok great thanks, have a great day too.”
Later that evening my phone buzzed again.
“Hey gorgeous, how’s you?”
Ugh for Gods sake, I thought, pressing pause on my stream of Breaking Bad.
“Hiiii” I attempted,
“What you up to?”
“Oh just chillin, watching Breaking Bad” I said hoping he’d get the hint.
“Great! Sooo I’ve just finished lunch in my mums and wondered if you fancied a drink now?”
I looked down at my house hoodie and pyjama bottoms which I had been wearing all day. There wasn’t a hope in hell of me going anywhere.
“Oh haha thanks, but not a chance of me moving tonight,” I warned.
“Ah fair enough, I just thought I’d chance my arm. Some mates of mine are out in Covent Garden they are trying to get me to come in.”
“Oh cool, you defo should”, I said hoping to wrap this up so I could get back to Walt and Jessie.
“Yeah I rarely get to see them all much lately but I’m a bit tired so not sure really.”
“Ah well if you don’t get to see them you should defo go in.”
“Really? You really think I should?”
“Eh.. Yeah sure… YOLO and all that, Go have a few drinks and enjoy yourself.”
“Wow” he said “that’s really good advice coming from a PG.”
Hmmm PG? What’s a PG? Parent Guardian was the only PG I knew!
“PG?” I typed “What’s a PG?”
“Potential Girlfriend."
Oh good God. I think I just did a little bit of sick in my mouth. He did not just say that. He did not just call me his potential girlfriend after two dates.
“Ummmmm, huh?” Sorry, but I wasn’t even going to pretend this was OK..
“Maybe I shouldn’t have said potential,” he said
Oh God, this is getting worse.
“Eh no no, the potential is fine, it’s the G word I have a problem with,” I said
“Oh sorry, it was just an expression, I just really like you and think it’s great you are encouraging me to meet my mates. My ex would never have done that.” he pleaded.
“Right, yeah ok, but maybe just leave the G word out of it for a wee while. I’m just out of a relationship as I mentioned last night so I just don’t want to be rushing into anything serious, hope that’s ok?” I explained
”Yeah of course of course, sorry I didn’t mean to freak you there, it was just an expression.”
“Cool no worries, anyway look enjoy yourself with your mates. I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” I said, hastily cutting him off.
He may have pulled a top 10 date outta the bag last night, but the way he’s acting now I’m half expecting to find a bunny boiling on my cooker top.
The next morning he sent me another message.
“Hey, took your advice last night and went out with the lads. Worse for wear now."
“Ha oh God, poor you.”
“Hey listen sorry if I came on too strong last night, I think I might have had one two many glasses of wine with my Sunday roast. I know you are wanting to take things slow and I totally respect that”
'Awww ok well that’s fair enough.' I thought. If his biggest crime was that he liked me a tad too much then I needed to give him a break.
Turns out when I told all my workmates about his PG comment his biggest crime was most definitely calling me a Potential Girlfriend. Some of them actually gasped and took steps backward when I told them.
Not even the champagne and oysters of the date could override this obvious faux pas.
But I had already promised a third date.
Feck.
To be continued….
If you want to learn more about Ariana's dating exploits, be sure to keep up to date on Swipe Right's Facebook page.
