New research finds many women could be facing a ‘co-mum-drum’

Bumble, the popular women-first dating app, has found that many women could be facing a ‘co-mum-drum’ – a term that refers to being unsure if motherhood is something they want to pursue.

Recent research from Bumble shows that the overwhelming majority of Irish women (59%) believe they can have happy and fulfilling lives without children and as society continues to evolve, conversations about parenthood are becoming more front and centre while dating.

The big question ‘to parent or not to parent?’ can be particularly tricky to unpick for women, leading to conversations on social media about ‘the female load’ – referring to the physical and mental labour that disproportionately affects women as mothers.

When it comes to expectations between men and women, over half of (52%) people in Ireland believe that societal expectations for each gender are becoming more equal but still have a long way to go. Interestingly, one in ten (9%) Gen Z believe it is nowhere near equal*

This imbalance can not only affect women as parents, but women as working professionals, too. Bumble’s new research found 1 in 3 (38%) people in Ireland believe that mothers feel more guilty about furthering their careers than fathers do, increasing to more than half (56%) among Gen Z.

The mixed messages about motherhood have come thick and fast in recent years – from highly polished and wholesome ‘tradwife’ mum-fluencer content trending to ‘DINK’ (Double Income No Kids) couples boasting about their chilled morning routines on TikTok, with the hashtag #dinks garnering 390M views. The conversation has women candidly sharing their own tongue-in-cheek pros and cons lists for having children, inspired by ‘The List’ which went viral from creator @yuniquethoughts.

The noise surrounding the ‘co-mum-drum’ is loud – but can be even louder for single people who may feel even more pressure to hit relationship milestones.

According to Bumble, this has led to more open conversations between people to address the conversation, with recent data showing that almost 2 in 3 of Gen Z (67%) and millennials (60%) are upfront and honest with their date about relationship milestone goals such as children and marriage. In fact, nearly half of Gen Z (47%) are feeling less rushed to reach these milestones – something Bumble calls Timeline Decline.

Bumble’s Sex and Relationships Expert, Dr Caroline West, says “Women can feel a lot of pressure to adhere to traditional relationship milestones, especially when it comes to motherhood, and the messaging around this seems to be forever changing. One minute you’re being told you should balance a career whilst having a child, and the next you’re being sold a dream of being a ‘stay at home girlfriend’ on TikTok. This pressure can be even more difficult to manage if you are someone who is looking to become a parent through modern family planning options, such as adoption or IVF."

“It can be overwhelming at times, but I’d encourage women to try and cut out the noise from social media, and even friends and family. In fact, over a fifth of women are actively avoiding friends and family who put pressure on them to make decisions about marriage or children.”

In order to help single people, Dr Caroline West has provided some tips on how to navigate experiencing a ‘co-mum-drum’ when dating, which you can find below.

Speak openly with your date about hopes for the future

Talking about whether you want kids or not early in a relationship has historically been considered a bit of a faux pas – but we’re entering a new era of candid conversations about parenthood. Dating intentionally is important, and it’s a positive thing that we’re unapologetically hitting these more ‘serious’ topics early on. Broach the topic with the person you’re dating and get their perspective on parenthood, as they may bring a point of view to the table that you’d never considered.

Trust your timeline

Bumble’s research shows that 1 in 4 Gen Z (22%) and millennials (26%) say posts on social media make them feel worried about not hitting traditional relationship milestones** – but it’s important to remember that everyone’s journey is different, and that’s okay. Pressure to meet these expectations can lead to single people overwhelming themselves by going on lots of dates to try and meet someone, but just remember to be kind to yourself and trust your timeline.

Get comfortable with uncertainty

Accept the fact that you may never be 100% sure either way, and don’t be harsh on yourself about the indecision. Having children is life-changing, especially if you’re a woman, and the answer isn’t always obvious for everyone. Avoid getting bogged down with pros and cons lists (if you’re big into list-making…) and instead try to picture where you see yourself in 5, 10 or 20 years’ time – what does your ideal life look like, and are children involved? Stepping back and looking at the bigger picture can sometimes help bring clarity when it comes to making big decisions.