‘Is that a plastic arse?’ 8 reasons it’s totally OK to hate St. Patrick’s Day
Even though the world gets busy celebrating us, we get a day off work and are basically encouraged to sip up from sun up, St Patrick's Day isn't actually all it's cracked up to be.
Like New Year's Eve, the day of our Patron Saint invariably involves sidestepping pools of vomit, losing your friends and judging those who have taken to the holiday with gusto.
There's not an Irish person among us who wouldn't fear being labelled a buzzkill, but when it comes to March 17, more and more of us are admitting that we're actually grand with that label if it means we can avoid wearing a plastic arse and having someone puke on our shoes in public.
Here are 8 reasons why St Patrick's Day is… well… urgh whatever.
1. All major towns and cities are basically brought to a standstill with the help of a parade.
Yes, we envied those cheerleaders back in the day, but right now these gals from Georgia are the only things standing between us and our sanity.
2. You will see something that actually makes you question your fellow countrymen.
Blokes wearing nothing but tricolour mankinis in the middle of our capital's street is not something we need in our lives.
3. Society makes you feel the need to mark the day in some way, so you can't even enjoy your day off on the couch without feeling guilty.
Surely playing the National Anthem before your Netflix binge is enough?
4. You will see something that reminds you that alcohol and bodily functions don't mix.
"Don't look now, but that girl is puking into her own handbag."
5. You will hear the term St Patty's Day used at least one… unironically, we might add.
And it will make your teeth feel itchy and your toes feel curly.
Dear #americans we don’t care if you are 1/16 Irish. If you call it #pattysday you revoke all claims to being Irish.
— Stephen M (@stejmurphy) March 15, 2017
6. You will see something that will make you want to cry a little despite your best efforts.
A dignified-looking elderly man with a shamrock pinned to his lapel is enough to make you weep.
7. The fiddly-diddly music belting out of every establishment loses its appeal very quickly.
"They're bloody murdering Raglan Road."
8. You will be forced to watch your fellow citizens confirm the archaic stereotypical perception once held of us.
"Ah yeah, vomit on yourself there before starting a row with that lamppost, good man."
And there’s nothing fun or Irish about getting sick on a street in Dublin on #paddysday. It’s sad. Enjoy a drink. Don’t over do it. #America
— Stephen M (@stejmurphy) March 15, 2017
Can we sit this one out?!
