10 things he says and what he actually means

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Jun 3, 2014

Men are a conundrum.

Here are some of the typical things you may hear them say – and more importantly, what they actually mean when they say them.

1. He fancies you
If he says: So maybe we could go for a walk or a coffee?
He actually means: I think you’re really hot and want to ask you out, but I’m of a nervous disposition.

2. I don’t really like you in that way
If he says: You’re a really nice person
He actually means: See ya!

3. I need you to stick around
If he says: Let’s be friends
He actually means: You’re not my type, but could you set me up with your hot friend?

4. Not so serious
If he says: We’re seeing each other
He actually means: You’re his first choice but there may be someone else involved.

5. When he wants sex
If he says: This is our fourth date, isn’t it?
He actually means: I WANT SEX

6. Player
If he says: I don’t want anything serious
He actually means: Friends with benefits?

7. Jealousy
If he says: How many guys have you been with?
He actually means: I’m the best, right?

8. It’s getting serious…
If he says: Introduces you as his girlfriend
He actually means: He no longer introduces you as his “friend” and he more than likely wants you to meet his friends, family etc. Are YOU ready?
9. Scaredy-cat
If he says: Maybe we need to slow down
He actually means: Maybe you need to slow down

10. It’s love!
If he says: I love you
He actually means: You make me incredibly happy whenever we are together. I think you may be The One.

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Getting over the bank holiday blues in once piece

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Jun 3, 2014

by Amber Saunders

It’s been a great weekend – but now you need damage control.

It’s time to treat your purse, and body the way it deserves after the weekend. Here’s how to survive the bank holiday crisis:

1. Plan out your finances
You spent a lot of money this weekend. Plan your meals, hit up Aldi and DO NOT attempt to stop off at the shop for Revels after work.

2. Leave your bank card at home!
You know exactly how much cash you need for college or work. Bring that and just that.

3. Carry a litre bottle of water with you
Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate and you’ll be back to your old self in no time!

4. Fight off the fear!
Be mindful of your actions and you won’t have anything to fear! Simples!

2. “Spirits before beer or you’ll be on your ear.”
You’ll remember that next time, won’t you…

1. Down a pint of milk
If your weekend STILL isn’t over, drink some milk. ‘Twill do you the world of good.

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Vogue chief tops fashion names on ‘100 Most Powerful Women’ list

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May 30, 2014

by Amber Saunders

Anna Wintour has topped the fashion names on Forbes magazine’s ‘100 Most Powerful Women’ list.

The American Vogue editor-in-chief and artistic director of Condé Nast has been placed at number 39 on this year’s list – a whole two places higher than in 2013.

This is in part down to her fundraising work for the Anna Wintour Costume Centre and President Obama’s re-election campaign.

Anna, 64, beat designers Diane Von Furstenberg, who ranked in 68th place, Miuccia Prada in 75th and Tory Burch in 79th as well as supermodel Gisele Bundchen, who has an estimated wealth of $42million.

Also on the list in 43rd place is Spanx creator Sara Blakely who made history after turning her $5,000 life savings into the billion dollar brand, becoming the world’s first self-made female billionaire.

Sara has also joined the Giving Pledge, vowing to donate at least half of her earnings to charity.

Beyonce, Shakira, Oprah Winfrey, Angelina Jolie and Sofia Vergara also made it onto the list, which was topped by the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel.

10 lies everyone is told as a child

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May 29, 2014

by Amber Saunders

Parents tell their kids some pretty messed up things, and so far from the truth that it’s hard to register when we finally learn. Here are some lies you may have heard as a child.

1. “Don’t pull that face, God will see and leave you looking like that.”

If you grew up with an Irish Catholic parent then you were likely to have been fed this horrifically scarring lie at some stage. To this day, there’s still that underlying fear some of us have that this may in fact still happen.

2. “Santy sees everything”

This lie gets children everywhere to act and do exactly what their parents want any time of the year. How crafty.

3. “Eat up all of your vegetables and your hair will be curly”

We all wanted curly hair as kids, then boom, your 11 and begging you mom for a GHD and haven’t eaten broccoli in years for fear of curls.

4. “Eat your crusts and you’ll get hairs on your chest.”

We were four and some of us were girls, why the hell would we want hairs on our chest? WHY? All of those hairy men clearly ate all of their crusty Nutella sandwiches back in the day.

5. “Your school days are the best days of your life.”

Oh yes, I do miss those tiny benches and a school-bag that always smelt like rotten apples.

6. “You’re so bold, you’re not like mine at all, you’re actually adopted.”

You have always secretly wondered since…

7. “That’s only for adults.”

No fair!

8. “Children have to go to bed by 9 o’clock, it’s the law.”

Even during the summer when it was bright out, you were forced to go to bed or else the police would come. Scarred.

9. “Don’t eat the apple pips, otherwise an apple tree will grow in your belly.”

Terrifying stuff.

10. “Don’t swallow your chewing gum, it’ll make your insides stick together.”

Actually, this one might be true.

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10 memories everyone who went to Irish college will have

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May 28, 2014

by Amber Saunders

While it may have seemed like the worst thing EVER back in the day, when you look back on it, you were very lucky to have been given to chance to go to the Gaelteacht.

Here are some of the fond memories you no doubt have:

1. Where the hell are we?
When you are on the bus to the Gaeltacht you feel like it takes an eternity to actually get there. It all starts to look the same and you’re so deep into the countryside there are no roads only laneways.

2. Learning absolutely no Irish
Nobody actually learns Irish at the Gaelteacht – more like Engrish. “An bhfuil cead agam dul go dtí an beach and take a swim?”

3. Shifting up against the back wall at the disco
You cringe now. Back then you were just glad you got your first shift in Irish college and didn’t have to go to school in September a “frigid.”

4. Playing Hot Potato during every break
Or else that weird clapping game that all of the cool girls played.

5. Ban an Ti
She is the head of the household and was crazy enough to volunteer to keep a huge bunch of girls in her house for two weeks. She makes your breakfast and dinner washes your clothes if they’re dirty, a real Irish mammy.

6. Ceilis
Any time you hear Irish dancing instructions you shudder at the thought. The Ceili is on every night and you have to learn the steps and try not to look like a fool in front of the Irish college veterans.

7. No TV and no Internet
Looking back, we were troopers for surviving without a TV or internet or music! Go us!

8. Couples
During your two/three week stay in the Gaeltacht almost of every girl and every guy get together and then before they leave they break up.

9. Speaking English at every opportunity you get
Rebel!

10. The talent show
It all boils down to this – don’t mess it up!

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10 signs you are getting older

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May 28, 2014

by Amber Saunders

One minute you’re drinking two bottles of JP Chenet and bouncing out of bed the next morning and then one year later, a glass of pinot grigio at a family barbecue is enough to tie you to the toilet the next day.

Ah, getting older.

1. Drinking equals dying

Everything hurts.

2. Sleep is the most important thing

A nightclub? Zzz…

3. You’re so fat

When you were sixteen you survived on nothing but ham rolls and Hunky Dories and there was never a pick on you. Now you eat salad for lunch and occasionally use low fat milk and you’re pretty sure nothing is changing.

4. D.M.R. (Deep Meaningful Relationships)

Single life is great. Then suddenly you’re 23 and the only relationship you’ve ever had has been with your fridge. Crap.

5. Weddings. Why? WHY?

One of your friends has just messaged you to inform you that another girl in your year has just got engaged. Seriously?!

6. Baby talk

Please stop. Cats, not babies. Cats.

7. Avoiding awkward questions

Those family reunions where all you hear is “hows the love life?” or “any talent?” Gah!

8. Home sweet home

You find yourself feeling a sense of pride in an organised wardrobe and a gleaming bath. It’s the little things.

9. Dressed to impress

You finally realise what suits you and what doesn’t. Short skirts with your arse hanging out? No.

10. Parental guidance

You are officially old when you realise your parents were right all along. Damn it!

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Have you been friend-zoned? Here are the signs

Relationships

May 27, 2014

by Amber Saunders

Ah, the friend-zone. It’s not only boys it happens to you know!

Here is a few of our favourite things that happen when you’ve been put in the friend-zone:

1. They’re never short of telling you about all the best bums and boobs in the world. Including those of your best friends and how incredible they are. But of course, never yours.

2. You keep thinking life is like a movie and one day you will gain the courage to proclaim your undying love for him. Never gonna happen.

3. You guys flirt more than you make normal conversation, but it doesn’t mean anything because you’re best friends *gritted teeth*

4. Every time people pick up on your high pitched voice when around the person that’s friend-zoned you, you have to reassure them you’re just friends and you would “never like them like that … gross.” *GULP*

5. On nights out, they are so much craic and you guys have so much fun together but they’ll always find someone else to go home with

6. You painfully see them with someone who does not deserve them and is annoying, desperate and clingy (at least that’s how you see them). But you can’t say anything.

7. Every time you have good news or something’s happening in your life they are the first person to come to mind.

8. They have called you “Bro,” “Pal ” or “Mate,” and for the ultimate friend-zone, “Sister.”

Admit your love, the worst that can happen is they will say they don’t feel the same … and that’s not so bad, right?

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10 things to know about landing your first real job

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May 26, 2014

by Amber Saunders

All this time in college you assumed that you would just walk into job, right? Well, here are things that you need to know when finding your first real career break:

1. In everyone’s mind you’re officially an adult
In college you were only a student, in purgatory between a teenager and adult. No one could complain, “sure, he’s going to university isn’t he”? This quickly changes when you leave college to “ah, he is taking a year out”, even though that usually involves some sort of travelling.

2. Interviews can sometimes feel like an interrogation
It is bad enough when there is one interviewer, but if there are two or three you feel like it’s an interrogation, as they slowly eye you up and crush your will.

3. Working for free is the most likely option
“Well, do you have any experience? No … well, you can always work for free” Yes it has come to this. You never thought it would happen, but you’re thinking of working for free.

4. Oh, so that’s why you get a summer job
“Sure who needs a summer job, it’s only for money, I don’t need money.” When your young, money is just a thing you use to buy sweets. Summer job’s are all about experience and you ponder this while looking at a blank CV.

5. Your CV is actually important
“CV? Sure I’ll just put my leaving cert results on it and it will be grand”. Hmm, you think that your employers are going to be impressed by your Leaving Cert results?

6. You’re not the only one
“I’m a shoe in, the interviewer really seems to like me.” Little do you realize that there are actually other people who went for the interview as well. They have more experience than you, better people skills, and have worked in a job like this before. Harsh, but true.

7. Socializing is a thing of the past
You will quickly find out that when you’re not working you don’t have money.

8. Signing on
As much as you thought you wouldn’t need to, sometimes you may need to sign on. But don’t worry, hopefully it won’t be for too long. Keep up the motivation and don’t allow yourself to get stuck in a rut.

9. Degree … What Degree?
You spend 3 0r 4 years doing a degree only to find out that the piece of paper is worthless and it’s in Latin so no one can read it. It is basically just used as an indication of what your interests are.

10. Chance to learn something new
Instead of staying at home watching daytime TV, you could actually make the most of your time and learn something new. You could finally learn to drive, learn a new language, go skydiving, go to the gym. The world is your oyster!

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10 things you will miss about college during the summer

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May 26, 2014

by Amber Saunders

Let’s face it, there is a LOT of stuff you can do in college that just doesn’t happen in real life. Here are some examples of what we will miss most this summer:

1. Not being able to see your college friends every day. Sniff.
We live and breathe every minute with our college homies and adapting to spending time without them is one of the major downsides to summer.

2. Midday drinking
Now that you’re back home, it’s no longer possible to skip your 3 hour lab for a pint of Fosters in the student bar. Instead, the only alcohol you will consume during the day will be the Bailey’s cheesecake your Granny offers you during lunch.

3. Peaceful sleep-ins
Back in college, daily lie-ins were always a part of your morning routine. Sadly, you are now woken at 9am by your mother who sharply opens the curtains and lectures you on how “you should be outside enjoying the good weather while we have it!” Ugh.

4. Having an excuse not to work
Throughout the college year there’s always an assignment to be used as an excuse not to get a job. Now that you have three to four months sitting on your behind, you have no excuse to pass down a job offer from the local supermarket. For those of us who already had part-time work, prepare for a dramatic increase in ‘weekday’ work. Whoo.

5. Meeting new people
College offers brilliant opportunities to meet new and exciting people almost every day. At home however, you know everyone in your little town or village. A whole summer spent with the same people day everyday is bound to take its toll. Bring back the randomers!

6. Going out whatever night you feel like it
Whether you’re in Dublin or Cork, Limerick or Galway, any night can be a ‘going out’ night. To our misfortune, Monday Madness and three euro pints on a Thursday are unheard of concepts in our locals. Drinking on a weeknight at home offers a crowd of your father’s friends and a varied choice of Guinness or Heineken on tap. Monday Madness? We think not.

7. The classes you actually like
Although attending class wasn’t really your thing all semester, during the summer months we would happily sit in a class with the oddball lecturer who likes to reminisce about his weed smoking days on an escapade to Holland back in the 80’s. The entertaining stories kept your mind occupied.

8. The convenience of delivery food
In college, if you don’t feel like cooking, food was only a call away. Whether it’s Chinese or Indian, food is at your doorstep within the hour. However, if you live in the back arse of nowhere and you’re pretty sure that the sat-nav doesn’t even acknowledge where you live, scraping the bottom of the freezer for a microwave pizza is as good as it gets.

9. The Free Wi-Fi
Hey, not everywhere has free Wi-Fi, it’s a commodity in this world! Not the best connection at times but it still kept you constantly connected during those ‘morning after the night before’ scenarios when a tagged photo or two needed to be removed immediately.

10. Being able to live on a budget
In college it’s quite acceptable to live off literally zero cash. The summer months are an expensive time what with bikinis to be bought for sun holidays and interrailing tickets to be paid for. There’s grown -up style responsibilities on the horizon and it’s time to start saving. Sigh.

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Important life lessons we have all learnt from Father Ted

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May 23, 2014

by Amber Saunders

There’s no TV show quite like the Irish classic, Father Ted. And there never will be again.

But it’s not all fun and games on Craggy Island, here are some important life lessons that Father Ted has taught us all over the years.

1. Sometimes you have to do the impossible. And kick Bishop Brennan up the arse

2. Always expect the unexpected

3. It’s always okay to have a bit of a flirt

4. Say no to drugs.

5. And yes to puppies

6. Dance like nobody is watching

7. Try not to get caught

8. Take pride in your appearance

9. And in your achievements

10. Sometimes you can’t help who or what you love

11. Eggs are feckin’ great

12. So is tea

13. You should never say no to tea

14. Racism is bad

15. Stand up for what you believe in

16. Ryan Tubridy shouldn’t be on The Late Late Show

17. Ireland’s Eurovision days are over

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30 things every Irish mother says

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May 23, 2014

by Amber Saunders

There’s no woman on earth like your own Mammy. She has the power to make you cry and fear a mere cooking instrument, also known as the dreaded, all-powerful wooden spoon.

Here is the definitive list of things your Mammy says:

1. “Don’t eat that, you’ll ruin your dinner. I’ve spent all fecking day cooking it.”

And she actually has.

2. “GET UP NOW. You’re as fecking lazy. We’ll be at the back of mass at this rate.”

Mothers hate lie in’s. 9am may as well be 3pm to her.

3. “Sweep in the floor there love.”

A happy home has a clean floor.

4. “Your Granny is getting on my WICK.”

How ironic.

5. “I will in my arse bring you into town now, I’ve more to be doing. Ask your father.”

Asking Mammy dearest for a lift when she’s not in the mood is just plain stupid. You may as well be asking her for a kilo of cocaine.

6. “Stop with your cursing for fecks sake, what kind of yokes are you hanging around with in Dublin? They must be awful yokes. I’ve never heard that kind of language from you until you went up there.”

Any issue you have with your Mammy is automatically the fault of “that crowd you hang around with.”

7. “When did you last go to mass hah? EASTER? Saint Anthony himself couldn’t help you to find a good mass.”

Don’t even think about admitting to Mammy when you last went to mass. Mother of Divine Lord she’ll have a heart attack.

8. “Did ya hear about Bridie’s third cousin’s mother? You DO know her. Well anyway, she died there yesterday.”

If you don’t know the entire surrounding parish and their family tree then you’ve failed your mother.

9. “I started one of those computer courses, I’ll be better than you now on the computers.”

Thank God. Does this mean no more questions?

10. “You’ve a WHAT? Well where’s this boyfriend from? What do his parents do?”

No road frontage? He’s not comin’ round here.

11. “Stop it. STOP THAT FIGHTING OR YE’LL MAKE ME CRASH.”

While she dramatically shoves a hand round the back of her seat swatting anything she can reach.

12. “Jesus I fecking hate that lad. OH HELLO Paddy!”

Mammy is very two-faced, she’s so two-faced that she even has a fake laugh. She hates half the parish but acts like she’d happily marry the majority of them off to her children.

13. “I don’t want a present at all, don’t be wasting your money on me.”

Don’t listen to this, she doesn’t mean it!

14. “Have a great night now, don’t get too pissed.”

Just because your mother gets gee eyed after two glass of Sauvignon Blanc doesn’t mean she wants you to. Not in the local town anyway. God almighty, what’ll they think if they see you drunk.

15. “Where the feck do you think you’re going in that. Look at the length of that dress. What’ll they think?”

16. “Well. How was your night? Did you meet anyone nice? What’s wrong? ARE YOU HUNGOVER?”

Sitting at the kitchen table with your eyes hanging out of your head, you think your Mam would feel some pity and make you a fry. Nope.

17. “Do I have any news? I don’t think so no. Nobody died.”

Unless somebody died, then there’s no news. Mammy lives for the death notices.

18. “What would you give that dinner out of ten now, honestly?”

This is a TRICK QUESTION. Always say eleven. Always.

19. “GET OUT, OUT. I’m trying to watch Fair City. It’s a good one tonight, someone dies.”

Mammy’s soap moments are sacred.

20. “Turn that fecking noise down, I’m trying to concentrate on the driving.”

21. “Ah jaysus. Another fecking wedding and nothing to wear.”

Mammies hate weddings. Well actually, Mammy pretends to hate weddings what with having to recycle all of those two piece outfits from Clerys. But get some wine into her and she’ll be jigging to Galway Girl until three in the morning, the divil.

21. “Why couldn’t you have just done teaching. Jesus those teachers are great.”

All Mammy ever wanted was a primary school teacher for a child and instead she got you and your ‘media’. When the neighbours ask her what her young one is at, she says teaching anyway.

22. “Don’t forget to put sods on the fire. I mean it.”

Mother of God, don’t let the fire that Mammy worked so hard to light, die.

23. “Look at them there now with their big feck off car, pure notions.”

Having notions is for the lowest-of-the-low. Mammy doesn’t like that, so don’t even think about coming home with any notions or she’ll soon bate it out of you.

24. “I joined the Facebook, Mary. Jaysus it’s mighty so it is. I’ve seven friends on it now.”

We all live in fear of the day our mothers join Facebook. Soon she’ll be posting reminders to wash your hair on your wall and liking your check-in statuses. Mort0.

25. “I’m going to town, do you know now what you can do for me when I’m gone?”

Always go to town with Mammy. If you don’t, then she’s certain to leave you a to-do list that’ll take five hours to get through.

26. “Isn’t it well for ye now.”

This means she thinks you’re getting notions. Watch out.

27. “Oh this? I got it reduced in Dunnes. It’s grand isn’t it?”

This is the single reason that all Irish women respond to every compliment with “Penneys €5″. Mammy and her Dunnes. Damn you Mammy.

28. “I will not get off the phone you little brat, who do you think pays for it?”

Mothers spend at least 15% of their day gossiping on the phone to their sisters. FACT.

29. “Mary, Mary, MARY. Come here for a second. How do I go back to RTE One?”

She’d just gotten used to the old telly and then that Soar View came in and now she’s back to square one. Not even able to change the channel.

30. “A BOYFRIEND? Don’t get pregnant for Jesus sake.”

Mammy lies awake at night fearing that some day, one of her little lambs will come home pregnant. What would everyone say? To ensure this doesn’t happen she put’s the fear of God into them from an early age. Prevention is key.

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10 things you will learn when you enter the ‘real world’

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May 22, 2014

by Amber Saunders

It’s time to enter the so-called “real” world. Here are some hard lessons you will soon learn in this next exciting phase of your life.

1. Wages
You’ll be paid a whole lot less than you think thanks to those lovely things we call taxes. Never heard of ’em? You will soon.

2. Co-workers
Some of them won’t like you, it’s natural, but try to learn from them. All they see is this self proclaimed hot shot coming straight out of college whereas more than likely you’re a diamond in the rough and need to be cut and polished before you can be left to your own devices.

3. Your boss
He or she may have been on the interview panel, and may have asked you personal questions in order to assess your suitability for the position but don’t for a second think that they didn’t forget your name the second you walked out the door.

4. Don’t stand still
Technology is changing every day, exponentially and the days of getting locked into a civil service position for life are becoming less and less. Self improvement and up-skilling are the key to you staying relevant while moving forward. So take advantage of any courses or seminars that will better you. If you stand still you’ll become an unmotivated drone!

5. Bringing in lunch
You probably learned this in school but keep the smelly lunches to a minimum. Healthy, scentless food will be better for you in the long run, both in popularity and in health situations.

6. Gossip
The water cooler conversations as they are now well known throughout the world. Learn to keep your comments neutral and rarely gossip about people in your new work. You don’t know how long the person you are speaking to has been there or where the allegiance lies. Just nod and smile, people, nod and smile!

7. Inter office relationships
Look, it’s going to happen. People just can’t control themselves and make extremely poor choices but make sure it doesn’t hinder you. The fewer people that know, the better. You don’t want to become the gossipee, do you?

8. Take the right “sick days” off
Some people never take a day off, some people do. But unless you have your spine hanging out maybe don’t take a Monday off after a massive weekend on the piss. Go in and deal with everything “the fear” has to throw at you. The odd Monday is fine, of course, but repetition will be noted.

9. Office parties
Please be on your best behaviour at these events. It’s so easy to swallow a bit too much eggnog at the Christmas party and deliver a few home truths about your boss, but that kind of behaviour will land you straight in HR on your first day back.

10. You will make mistakes
Ask questions because everybody makes mistakes. If you keep your mouth shut, you will walk head first into these mistakes so take the initiative and ask someone who can you a heads up!