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The Christmas holidays are OFFICIALLY over and we are all back to the grindstone. It wasn't easy but it's all over now…until tomorrow! 

Here are 5 thoughts anyone who went back to work today will have suffered through:

1. "Huh, I forgot what my alarm sounded like…"
Please don't make me get up. Please, please, please!

2. "The last time I drank was three days ago, HOW can I still be hungover?!"
It's like all of the Christmas time hangovers are ganging up on you on this hellish day.

3. "Hey, where's the Bailey's for my morning coffee? Oh wait, I'm not at home" *breaks into tears*
No more liquid brunches for you. 

4. "No no, I started my diet earlier, thanks. Um…are those Heroes? Sorry I thought they were Quality Street. I'll just have one."
And two, and three and…actually I'll just leave the box on my desk. 

5. "Tonight, I'm going to bed at 8pm and will be refreshed and ready for the day ahead."
New Year and all that.

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Love her or hate her, Kim K is everywhere. And sometimes she says some pretty enlightening and hilarious things, like these:

1. “I hate when women wear the wrong colour foundation, it might be the worst thing on the planet when they wear their make-up too light”

2. “[Taking selfies] is the purpose of life”

3. “If Paris Hilton thinks my butt looks gross I really don’t care. At least I have a butt”

4. [On Kylie] “You have to look at her Tumblr. It’s just like, so her soul”

5. “I buy myself a gift every year, so this year I bought everything I wanted”

6. [On the prospect of dating Gerald Butler] “How about barf”

7. “I have this, like, sixth sense where I can smell if someone has a cavity”

8. “I also ordered pizza and Chinese food because I couldn’t decide”

9. “I’ll cry at the end of the day, not with fresh make-up”

10. “You are just jealous that you can’t get a Bentley and you’re trying to ruin my moment for me”

We can all admit that Kim sometimes says exactly what we're thinking…keep it real, Kimmy. 

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While we all LOVE Christmas movies, from A Wonderful Life to The Santa Clause and Love Actually, there have also been some travesties…

1. Fred Claus
We wanted to like this, but it proved to be impossible. 

2. Jingle All The Way
Not some of Arnie's finest work. 

3. Black Christmas
A scary Christmas movie…why?! There's college girls in it, obviously

4. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Yes, this is an actual movie.

5. Four Christmases
Another terrible Christmas movie from Vince Vaughan…

6. Santa With Muscles
Hulk Hogan's finest work.

7. Deck The Halls
This one had a promising cast. But no. 

8. The Family Stone
The weirdest ending to a movie, ever. And so much hate – where's the Christmas cheer, Diane Keaton?

9. Surviving Christmas
Before he was Batman, Ben Affleck starred in this questionable movie.

10. Home Alone 3
Why would they ruin such a good thing like that? 

 

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Being in a relationship can be just peachy – you’re with someone you love, admire, and can just about put up with – yay!

If there is one thing that can be next to impossible in a relationship however, it’s making a decision –about ANYTHING! Where to eat, what to see in the cinema, where you should go on holiday, it can take hours.

There have been instances where couples have actually left the video store with no DVD at all because they just couldn’t cope.

Here are the emotional stages of decision making in a relationship:

Excitement
You can’t wait to get down to deciding where you’re both going to eat, mmm… so much food to choose

Frustration
Why can’t he just pick? You made your choice, why is he taking so long? He obviously doesn’t like your idea, you should change it…

Boredom
Your stomach is rumbling and he’s STILL on Trip Advisor…come on!

Anger
Of all the places he could have picked, he chose THERE?! No. Absolutely not. Back to square one.

Indifference
You actually don’t care anymore. Let’s just go to the crappy place you wanted to. Whatever.

There are two outcomes to this decision process:

Relief
You FINALLY make a decision and it’s the best feeling ever. And it only took four hours. That’s a new record.

Tantrum
You march into the kitchen, take out waffles, fish fingers and whatever else you can find in the freezer, cook them (for yourself only) and eat them. That will teach him next time, now won’t it?

*The feeling that comes after this is sadness, because once the hunger subsides you feel pretty bad and he looks so hungry, bless him. 

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Ah parents. We love 'em! These may be quotes you hear over the phone if you don't live at home, on the weekends when you visit home, or every minute of every day if you live at home!

With Christmas just around the corner, we look forward to hearing these a LOT more:

1. "It’s lashing – would ya not bring my red jacket with you?"
Rather be caught dead, thanks though! 

2. "Have you worn that skirt I got you yet, I haven’t noticed it at all?"
Oh, um…I wore it last week. No mammy I love it, honestly!

3. "That’s it – I’m finished with you"
What does that even MEAN?!

4. "Who are you hanging around with these days using language like that?"
I only said shut up…

5. "Don’t sit on the radiator – you’ll get piles"/ "Don't sit so close to the fire you'll get a kidney infection
You are actually a little bit wary of these warnings

6. "Ask your mother"
Usually in relation to where something is

7. "Ask your father"
Usually in relation to being allowed to go somewhere/ do something

8. "Will you take the shopping from the car there when you’re done sitting in front of the TV all day?"
You literally sat down the second the door opened…typical

9. "Are you still in bed?! It’s 9am! Are you coming to mass, I suppose not"
It's more of a guilt trip than an actual question

10. "Talk to your granny, here, talk to her!  I couldn’t be listening to her"
Ah, the future

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While us big-bummed girls love our shapely behinds most of the time, there are certain times in life that make us want to scream. 

Like these:

1. Being afraid of accidentally knocking over things in small shops with your backside

2. Finding the perfect jeans only to have THAT annoying gap between your waist and jeans. Every time

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3. Buying the cutest dress only to realise you should have gone for the bigger size as your bum makes it waaaay shorter than it should be

4. Skinny jeans making you appear X-rated as you walk down the street – why is causal so damn hard?! And don't even get us started on shorts

5. Your bum cheeks always being a little bit colder than the rest of you because they’re so far away. In fact, your hot water bottle spends most of its time warming your bum cheeks

6. Squeezing between tables in small restaurants. There goes the salt shaker…especially embarrassing if you are in fact the waitress

7. Low rise pants – a recipe for ass crack disaster

8. People singing the ‘I Like Big Butts’ song at you – mostly your friends

9. Having to share a chair with someone – ‘nope only half of one cheek is on’

10. People assuming you can get champagne into a glass that’s resting on your bum

11. The absolute stupidity of same-size bikini top and bottoms that means you are forced to buy two pairs

12. Being compared to Kim Kardashian. Come back J-Lo, all is forgiven. Please…

13. Trying at all costs NOT to squat because you heard that makes it bigger

14. Only working out so that your bum isn’t flapping off the back of your knees by the time you turn 30

15. Having your bum grabbed by morons in nightclubs. So not okay

 

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Christmas can be an amazing time of year – lots of cosy snuggles, warm fires, pretty lights and presents. However, it also means a LOT of time spent at home and around our local area. Sometimes fun – sometimes hellish. 

Here are the faces we will probably need to perfect to get through the rough moments this Christmas:

1. The ‘Oh my God, I LOVE it’ face

2. The ‘Mmm, this tastes SO good, how did you make it?’ face

3. The ‘trying hard to stay awake in mass’ face

4. The ‘I’m so wasted and trying not to show it’ face

5. The ‘I’d love to teach you how to Skype your sister on your new iPad, mom’ face

6. The ‘no way, I did NOT eat the last mince pie’ face

7. The 'Oh, it is just so good to see you, you look great' face

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‘Bra shopping’ should never be mistaken for ‘bra browsing'. ‘Bra browsing’ involves pretty straps, pastel colours and pearl detailing while 'bra shopping' involves stress rashes, support cups and sobbing in cubicles.

Ladies, these two activities should never be confused unless you want your day on the high street totally ruined.

Let us be really. really clear here, 'bra shopping’ is a completely different thing and these, girls, are the stages.

1. Acceptance

The phrase ‘function over fashion’ is enough to bring most of us out in a cold sweat, but then we stand tall and acknowledge that sometimes evil just prevails.

We throw our shoulders back, push out our ill-supported chests and march off to the nearest department store.

2. Suspicion

We encounter Margaret, 4 foot 11 and sporting a measuring tape around her neck, who sizes us up immediately.

You do some sizing up of your own. Yeah, two can play at this game, Marge.

3. Tentative Enthusiasm

Ok, credit where credit’s due, Margaret looks like she’s got this and guides you into a fitting room.

“Oh, I’m in safe hands here with this one”, you tell yourself.

4. The Sweats

Minutes later, you’re hot and clammy, your fringe is frizzing and the bra you arrived in suddenly looks oddly alluring, despite it’s visible under wire and fraying straps.

What is happening here?

5. Panic

 “Do you need a hand?" 

“Don’t come in Margaret!” you think in alarm. You’ll see that I still need to fasten it around my waist before hauling it into place. That can’t happen.

6. Hysteria

The bigger the bra, the more beige they become. The smaller the bra, the more tween-like they appear.

‘Who gets sexy, but functional bras?!’ you think in mild hysteria.

7. Joy

And then suddenly you’re a woman in a perfectly fitting bra! You have done the impossible.

Look at me. I am a woman.

8. Pride

You stand back to let Margaret admire you and you can’t hide the proud smile that’s creeping across your lips.

Margaret doesn’t smile. She knew. Margaret always knows.

9. Confusion

So, now what?

You have one bra that fits; do you continue to harm yourself, your bosoms and your back by wearing your other ill-fitting bras?

10. Indignation

€56 for one bra?

Bad back, it is. I'm going home.                                            

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Today is the Queen of Pop's birthday, and we have so much to thank her for. A lot of them were crimes against fashion – but without them, we wouldn't have the fond memories of the late '90s/early '00s like we do. Thanks Brit!

Here are the biggest fashion mistakes we made that we can thank her for!

1. When she tricked us into thinking all denim everything was cool.

2. When she tried to make 'good girl pimp' a thing.

3. When we NEEDED her red latex catsuit for Christmas. Thankfully, mom vetoed that one fairly quickly. 

4. The curse of the low-rise jean that almost cost us our dignity many times in our early teens

6. Tinted. Sunglasses. 

7. All of the times she made us think we would make sexy cowgirls.

8. When we thought we needed a crimper more than we needed air.

9. When we begged and begged for Skechers because Brit wore them.

10. When she made us plan our wedding aged 13 and it looked very…velvety.

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It’s a universal truth that if you happen to be a tall woman you will spend more time than you ever thought possible explaining your height to people.

It becomes such a normal part of your routine you actually have stock answers for the myriad of remarks made to you on a daily basis.

You could have the ‘Yeah, I’m fairly tall, alright’ conversation in your sleep, but why would you? Sleep is where we don’t talk about height.

If you’re a taller-than-average gal, then chances are more than one of these may ring true.

1. The introduction of skinny jeans revolutionised your wardrobe because they were actually meant to stop around your ankles.

Remember in our teens when bootcut were the only option? Tough times.

2. You are told on a daily basis that you are tall. It’s like people are scared you might not know.

Take it from us, we’re aware.

3. You are constantly asked to get stuff from the top shelf because you are essentially a human ladder, so deal with it.

Nah, I've nothing better to do.

4. Your boyfriend’s height will be brought into question after your own height has been sufficiently addressed.

He’s over six foot and yes, being able to wear heels is the sole reason I’m dating him. Isn’t that all every girl wants?

5. Your father’s height will be addressed once they’ve decided you weren’t spawned by mutant giraffes.

My father is a human.

6. Your mother’s appearance will then be brought in to question.

My mother is also a human.

7. You rarely get to flaunt your bangin’ outfit in a group photo because you’re always at the back of the shot like some kind of patriarchal Mafioso.

Tell them my dress was to-die-for, promise?

8. Playsuits are out of the question because the body is always too short and basically designed to cut a tall girl in half.

Woah, this is not comfortable.

9. You tend to have larger-than-average feet which makes shoe shopping very awkward.

“Can I get these in a five…and a nine if you’ve any going spare. Actually, forget the five. Just the nine.”

10. You will be told on a daily basis that your height is something to be so, so proud of.

We’d believe you – no really we would –  if you hadn’t spent the last five minutes making us account for why we look like we do.

Now, let’s really get down to business here.

You’ve a pot belly. Does your wife have a pot belly too? I bet your father had some pot belly, did he?

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We’re often made feel like our twenties are the time for non-stop sex, the years for wild bedroom antics and the decade to have a libido that would have rivalled Russell Brand’s circa 2006, but we know better than that.

We know that our twenties are also the time to acknowledge exactly what we want, how we want it and recognise that sometimes our bedroom is purely for snoozing, sleeping or sulking.

Here are just ten times (yes, just ten) that we knew sex definitely wasn’t going to be on the agenda that night.

1. When we ate so much Dominos, we felt about as sexy as a phonebook.
Rub my belly. Just my belly, you.

2. When we had our period and knew that any position, except foetal, would end us.
Sleep on the couch, please. No, you can leave the hot water bottle here.

3. When we forgot to shave our legs and we weren’t sure where our furry calves started and our boyfriend’s ended.
I think we’ll skip right to cuddling, let’s just rub our legs against each other.

4. When he annoyed you so much, you’d rather do time than him.
Please remove yourself from my eyeline, sir.

5. When you pondered the bizarre physicality of sex for too long, became totally weirded- out and zipped your onesie up to your neck.
You’ll have to excuse me, my brain made me think thoughts.

6. When you’ve finally done your hair and make-up and he’s suddenly like a dog in heat.
Could you not have decided this before I spent 45 minutes squeezing into this dress and perfecting my smoky eye?

7. When you have a pimple on your face…and your bum.
Turn out the damn lights and don’t look at me.

8. When it’s so bloody cold that deciding to get naked is seriously the behaviour of a lunatic.
I am not insane. Please see someone about your urges.

9. When he hasn’t brushed his teeth and is smothering with a cold.
Em, could you not?

 

10. When you were more in the mood to show him what he was missing than proving it.
It’s nice to keep them on their toes.

 

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You'd be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn't respect, revere or just downright adore actor Morgan Freeman.

If we keep trying, we may be as cool, calm and collected as him one day, but until then we'll just remind ourselves why it's totes normal to want to be a 77-year-old male actor.

Here are just five reasons for channelling your inner Morgan

We want a voice as comforting as hot chocolate on a winter’s night, just like him.

We want people to say our voice sounds like the voice of God, just like they do about him.

We want people to create memes about how amazing we are, just like they do for him.

We want people to attribute touching, thought-provoking quotes to us whether we said them or not, just like he gets.

We want to star in critically-acclaimed Oscar-winning movies, just like he has.

Honestly, is it too much ask?

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