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Payday

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It's time to celebrate one of the biggest holidays in the employment calendar; National Sickie Day. *Tosses confetti*

We figured it's time to do some healthy digging and find out what gems people were using to call in sick to work, and we also desired to know the dumbest excuses too. Natural curiosity gets the better of us…

Employment Law Experts (ELAS) are saying that the estimated number of employees calling in sick in 2017 on National Sickie Day was… wait for it…350,000 WORKERS. Wow.

Why is the first week of February just too unbearable for everyone to face their jobs? A combination of factors are predicted, such as the first weekend after Dry January and the first post-Christmas pay-day.

mean girls wink GIF by T. Kyle

ELAS have also predicted that National Sickie Day will cost the British economy around £45 million (€51.3 million), due to hours lost, wages and overtime. Good God, that's a LOT of wasted labour.

According to a survey by AXA PPP, using the flu excuse seemed to be satisfactory for four out of 10 bosses. However, eight percent of managers weren't convinced by a single one of the nine 'best excuses' listed below…

The number one excuse for ringing in sick (according to the boss) was the flu, with back pain coming in second, and injury caused by accident in third place.

Stress, elective surgery, depression, anxiety, common cold and migraine finished up the top nine, with 'none of the above' in 10th place, meaning there were some other crackers outside of the top 10 that we just NEED to hear.

According to ELAS, the absolute WORST excuses in 2016 for missing work were:

“My only pair of work trousers is in the wash”, “It’s my dog’s birthday and I need to arrange a party for him”, “The dog ate my shoes”, “I got arrested”, “I lost my PPE”, and of course; “I stayed out partying last night and haven’t had any sleep”.

Classic. Other contenders were; “My friend is on annual leave so I can’t get a lift”, “I have no way to get to work” and “My wife earns more than me so I have to look after the kids”

Ah lads, you've got to do better than that. A bit of creativity would go a long way with that lot…

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Pay-Day Purgatory. That middle time during the worst month of every year where you literally forget the concept of monetary transactions because money does not exist in your life anymore.

Spare change? Goodbye.

Contactless card? Forget it, gal.

Online shopping? You're delusional.

pay me jenny slate GIF

The days of being financially independent are long gone. Winter is here.

None of us can recall a time where we could 'spot' our friends for food, or the blissful moment when you don't have to check your balance because you're aware that it ain't empty. (Rarely happens but for some unicorns apparently it exists)

Those were the days…but now we're trapped in Pay-Day-Purgatory, land of the tense and agonising wait to be paid. Those last few days where all you can do is sit in your home and mope, because moping is free. 

 life vs GIF

1. Looking in long-lost-lands…

2. Time no longer has meaning

3.  Have centuries passed or is that just us?

 4. We're getting snappy, to say the least

5. We've even turned to milk for guidance

6. There's not much time left to wait, but we don't know if we can hold on much longer…

7. When dat sweet, sweet coin finally hits the bank, those heart eye emojis will be let LOOSE

8. Let's be grateful we're not American federal workers right now, those people need prayer

9. We'll be like Mario himself collecting those beautiful golden coins the SECOND the cash slides itself into our banking DMs

10. We're being majorly left on read by pay day…Not cool

11. Let's be honest, we really shouldn't be trusted with money in the first place, should we?

12. Finally, we'll leave you with a soporific lullaby to put your worries to bed…Pay day will come. Eventually. From the ashes. Maybe. 

The countdown continues anew, once again we wait in the darkness by the frosty window, trying to remember a time when we could wave our bank cards and expect something in return.

Shout out to January for being an absolute B*TCH.

pay me GIF by The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

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Every month we tell ourselves it will be different, but every month it’s the same.

Sometimes it’s through no fault of our own and other times it’s most definitely our own fault.

Girls, we’re talking here about the inevitable ‘last week before payday’ panic.

Some weeks you might just have a lot of unavoidable outgoings; gym membership, doctor’s appointments, car insurance, birthday dinners, wedding presents – all of which leave you scrimping, saving and longing for the moment you can check your bank balance without cringing.

And then there are the other months you just couldn’t resist that tartan cape, spent three weeks living off instant noodles as a result and didn’t even THINK about logging into your online banking.

Here are ten ways to know that payday is just around the corner

1. Your public transport fund can only be found down the side of the couch or in the pockets of old handbags.

Two euro and… a button!

2. You pretend to scoff at the idea of a takeaway coffee and an almond croissant.

But you're fooling no one.

3. You consider a plate of fried onions and three pasta shells a legitimate dinner.

Add salt to taste.

4. You wait for the three cent change you’re due when purchasing an ‘Eat in the next twelve seconds or die’ sandwich.

I’ll thank you not to judge me.

5. You glance at old bus tickets you come across in case there’s any change on them.

Possession is nine tenths of the law.

6. You wonder about the credit union account your parents opened for you when you were little.

Didn’t I have a supersaver squirrel account or something when I was six, mam?

7. The idea of casual midweek drinks is actually laughable.

Hahahahaha!

8. Necessities like toothpaste and facewash suddenly become luxury items.

I’ll just use this old bar of soap that’s been here since I moved in, I suppose.

9. You question your past shopping habits and find yourself horrified by your choices.

I spent 88 euro on accessories in Penneys and I have no food to eat?

10. You spend the hours leading up to your wages hitting your account writing lists of all the unnecessary beverages, accessories and jackets you’re going to buy.

And the cycle continues.

 

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