Welcome to HELL: 6 reasons why the dentist is a form of torture

Mar 25, 2018

Before I start this rant-like article, it is important that you know I have no personal hatred towards actual dentists – just everything they represent.

You are lovely people, who help keep our smiles looking fresh – but I will NEVER ever enjoy meeting you. Ever.

I would consider myself a pretty brave individual, I have tattoos and stuff and they've never bothered me.

But the dentist is a different form of torture for me – the moment I walk in, my entire body goes into shock.

There are always tears (I'm 26 by the way – whatever), there have been one or two actual panic attacks – and I always leave with a numb face, and a maxed-out credit card.

What's not to love?

Anyway, I was in the torture chamber on Saturday, so I decided to do up a list of reasons why I hate it.

PS: My dentist is sound.

1. So.damn.clinical.

In you go, up onto that plastic covered chair, where you will endure at least 30 minutes of absolute discomfort. There is no love in the air, no art o n the walls, no comfort. It is just a big white and steal monstrosity. This is probably for hygiene reasons, but Jesus, would a splash of colour kill you?

2. Tad invasive, no?

You will reach a level of intimacy with your dentist that you will rarely reach with anyone else. Kindly get your big ole dentist paws OUT OF MY MOUTH. I know that it is 'technically' your job to poke around in my mouth, but I would really rather if you didn't. Oh, and to those dentists that don't wear rubber gloves (I have heard a story or two), SHAME, SHAME, SHAME.

3. Good Jesus, THE NOISES.

My skin actually CRAWLS at the sheer thought of those hideously chronic torture machines. The drilling noise is so violent that you almost feel like your brain is being excavated. Why don't they play REALLY loud music to drown out the sounds? Little bit of One Direction to take the edge off, lads.

4. Those needles.

I am sooo fine with needles most of the time. I get vaccines, I have had blood taken, and have piercings and such – but there is something almost inhumane about sticking a needle into a human's mouth. And adding insult to injury, you will probably be numb for a few hours after leaving the clinic – making eating, speaking and smooching (not that this one would be an issue for moi) less than cute.

5. The small talk.

What in the name of God makes you think I am up for a chat? And even if I did feel like talking to you about work, or my upcoming holiday – your hands are in my MOUTH. This makes chatting rather difficult, don't you think? Let's endure this in silence – for everyone's benefit.

6. The inevitable bankruptcy.

'Thank you for coming, please leave your entire life savings with the receptionist as you leave!'

Seriously though, has anyone ever gone to the dentist and NOT felt like they've been ripped off? I know that it is a necessary cost, but WOW, any chance of cheeky discount?